New Home

For several reasons, I've moved my long-dormant deconstruction of Chick Tracts to blogspot. So check out any new updates there, if you're so inclined. At least until I then take it to wordpress or something.
second autumn

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This year, Jack has taken time away from telling us outright Halloween is the Devil's Holiday, and merely implies it. After all, we all love kittens right? Well, it seems Halloween has the highest statistics for needless kitten-killing. At least in whatever town Charlie Brown grew up in. And the wrong side of the tracks of that nameless burger. But the point is, it's bad enough our children (And by that I mean the blanket "our". I never sired no child, and you can't prove it!) are getting their tongues slashed by razor blades! No they have to take the slashing to helpless young felines in order to gain unholy boons. And to what ill-conceived end to they seek such mystic forces?

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second autumn

The Missing Day: Because The Dinner Wasn't Awkward Enough

In time for Thanksgiving, Jack reminds us that it isn‘t just a chance to join family and friends and enjoy good food, but that it‘s a God-Given occasion, and we should always remember its foundations as a feast enjoyed by hateful paranoid religious fanatics who would quickly turn on themselves as quickly as they could. Really. What could be a greater slap in the face to Darwinists than a story about completely displaced nut jobs manning to thrive and outnumber a group of indigenous people clearly far better equipped to survive their environs.

Jesus shed something for us, and it wasn’t cranberry sauce, folks! It’s time to be thankful you’re still alive, and thus were able to read this important, life-altering tract! And bow your heads for the Pilgrims, the first bible-thumpers ever! Collapse )
second autumn

Happy Halloween: Next Year, Go As a Lime

While other Halloween-themed Tracts denounce Halloween as a pagan ritual practiced by the soulless and bloodthirsty, here, Halloween only serves as an indirect demolisher of salvation, and merely an unwitting device of Stan's claiming us for its own. We don't see any candy apple blood sacrifices or the red guy blowing out birthday candles, but we do see the celebration of All Hallow's Eve as something that makes the devil's afterlife much easier.

See, sometimes Halloween makes us forget the most important thing of all. That no matter how good we try to be, we’re still for crap, and the only way to escape from the horrific images we celebrate on October 31st is to bend down over and admit. Because let’s face, it things get too scary in Hell, there’s no light switch. Collapse )
second autumn

What's Wrong With This? American Graven Idols

It's an amazing world we live in. From so many different regions and creeds, different civilizations and societies formed. We spend so much time in our own routines and daily life, it never occurs to us what kind of diversity and flavor this planet is filled to the brim with. And how wrong, wrong wrong it all is. Ancestors? Elephants? Afterlives? Come on, that's all phooey and you know it. It's obvious the many different continents of the world have far too much pepper in their chili, and it's our job to water it right down.

Come take a walk through the art gallery, but keep in mind, the Word of God isn't subjective, and he's a lot more tempestuous than Vincent Van Gough, and he'll be the one critiquing you. Collapse )
second autumn

The Wall: Checkered Flags and Yellow Fever

Chick's newest tract! As we all strive to be the best, we must remember; no one is better than God. He is the Grand Prix referee, who has marked the ultimate finish line. We will all eventually get there, and every one of us has a chance to win a prize of eternal salvation…save those who go astray, and find themselves burning in Hellfire after hitting…the wall. Can our two protagonists, despite being strong competitors out to be the best, mutually share a special kind of cup--The Jesus Class Cup?

Love is a wonderful thing. But sometimes dangerous. Here now is the story of how lust for victory, and lust for lust, can take everything you‘ve worked for and throw it off course. Here is a cautionary tale how dangerous love can be. Just be warned, you might want to come back to reading the tract an hour after you read it. Collapse )
second autumn

Angels? Knights in Lew's Service

This is an old favorite with many fans. In fact, it may be Chick's single most epic story ever. It's got everything; good, evil, love, betrayal, death, fortunes rising and falling. It peers into the human soul, and pulls its worst components out like a tumor. It, in a word, rocks.

Now, we all know Rock and Roll is the Devil's music. However, did you know so-called Christian Rock is twice as bad? Because that's how they get you. So remember Godly folks of their world, if you ever see someone using their gifts and charm to help others become more devout, don't trust them. Shun them, so they'll all become scraps of society with ruined lives, who'll throw down with anyone for the right to eat. It's what Jesus would do. Collapse )
second autumn

Last Rites: Take That, Wafer-Suckers!

Congratulations to our new pope, Mister Ratzinger! I'm sure you'll be the right man for the job, and I'm not just saying that because you look like you'll bite my eyes out if I disagree! But that's okay, his name reminds me of the mailman from Cheers! That's a good thing! Let's celebrate your inauguration with an old favorite from the Chick Library, concerning one of his consumate targets; The Catholic Church.

There's a joke that a girl in Catholic School was asked by the nun what she wanted to be when she grew up. The girl responded her intention was to one day be a prostitute. The nun quickly fainted, and upon being revived asked the girl one more time, what she wanted to be when she grew up. She repeated "a prostitute." "Oh", sighed the nun, "I thought you said protestant." Bad blood has run deep between the two for years, (with other creeds serving as unfortunate scapegoats caught in the crossfire) and the ultimate evangelical counter-conformist, seethes with hatred at the Old Establishment. Collapse )
second autumn

Dark Dungeons: Fact or Fiction?

Let's take a look at Dark Dungeons, Chick's answer to the Dungeons and Dragons phenomenon. Now, when it comes to his attacking his targets, Jack couldn't know less what he was talking about if he spoke a foreign language. One of his common targets, however, is pop-culture's fascination for the occult, in this case, Dungeons and Dragons, which he renames as an analogue, Dark Dungeons. Let's see if Jack's head is so far up his ass that his ass hair meets his back hair, or he simply just has a good view of his sphincter. Collapse )