So, let's take a look at our friend Mr. Chick's latest work. I think the moral of the story is the bond of togetherness we all share, but Chick obviously can't help but drive it into a divisive cesspool of judgmental indignation and knee jerk bitching.
If the strip is about the nature of sin, and religion, why is that dog there? I mean, I love dogs, but I've always been led to believe they're spiritual dead ends? Why include them in a discussion over our immortal souls? That woman sure doesn't seem to be very happy sleeping next to her husband. It's an attempt at humor, sure, but I've noticed, for such a stickler of family values, you don't see a lot of happy marriages in Chick Tracts. Unless the man used to beat the woman, of course.
If we all don't have growing old in common, then don't say we do and backtrack! We're already two pages in and your entire plot, such as it is, falls apart Jack! I don't like the way that geezer is grabbing the woman, though. Makes me uncomfortable. I feel bad for the corpse the next panel over. His or her family couldn't or wouldn't even afford a name or anything. They just sprang for the standard "R.I.P."
They're not my real parents?! No! It's not true! Imagine the TV Movie that came out of this;
"I love you. I'll always consider you my family. But I have to back to my roots!"
"No one can ever replace you! But I need to know who I am!"
"I knew you'd take it like this!
They really do seem like a loving couple though, don't they? Genuinely caring. Not like that "we're the only two people on Earth" marriage of convenience that is Adam and Eve. Look at them, so disingenuously posing for the camera, like any of your celebrity couples.
That's a tall glass of water we see reaching to the surface there. The flood has to have reached a good dozen fathoms at the very least. That guy may have been a dirty sinner, but we'll need him in this brave new world. Being true to the word of God is nice and everything, but what happens when you need something on the top shelf? You think Noah's going to help you with that? He's too busy with the arks.
What happens when the Pope, Samuel L. Jackson, the Dhami Lama, Osama Bin Laden, a random Asian Communist Leader, Jesse James and hundreds of others, trapped on a large boat for forty days and forty nights stop being polite and start being real?
I just can't stop laughing at the guy who clearly enjoys that woman's suffering. There's a whole story behind this, I just know it. "The Adventures of Ron Morgan, the World's Biggest Dick." "You'd better not get upset, because that's just what he's wants! Your sadness is his oyster!" I kind of want to know the story behind the dude who just punched his bathroom mirror! "Argh! I'm out of shaving cream! And it's all your fault, Medicine Cabinet! What's that? No backtalk from you, even if you are a handsome fellow!"
Turns out we caught sin from Adam! And I thought he looked like such a clean fellow when I let him have a sip of my gatorade. Actually, he may not have sin at all. I think God's bad cop routine and the Heavenly spotlight simply got a confession from him out of duress.
Were Adam and Even simply forbidden from eating the fruit, or food in general? Look at what sloppy eaters they are too. Seriously. It can't be because the fruit looks good. It simply doesn't. If I were to call those fruits something, it'd be "mumps". They look like infected cocks. That poor guy, God is his own bouncer. "I swear Big G, I'm not trying to enter Heaven, I just need to use the bathroom."
There's one guy on that Perdition-bound arrow that's taking it pretty easy. I like his attitude. You're not going to Hell any slower, just enjoy the ride. I'm going to take all my suit jackets and get "There's only one way" emblazoned on the sleeves. That's just a sharp look. That arm may be disembodied, but it's dressed to the nine's.
Holy Cosmic Phenomenon Batman! Surrounding our earth is one big giant cloud. Not an oort cloud, or a dust of clouds from meteorite dust. No, the regular puffy cloud. That our satellites never noticed. And where is our moon?! It's gone! Lord, your massive cosmic diagram arrow has shattered the satellite that keeps our landmasses from being obliviated by tidal waves! Our moon, oh our moon! Mary is chosen as the Lord's vessel, and let me tell you, does she look thrilled at the prospect. You'd think God could wait until Prozac was invented until he decided to bestow us with the messiah. I see a future of wire coat-hangers and pulling Mommy's head out of the shitbucket every Monday morning for little J.C.
One would think it too obvious to suggest God came upon Mary, and a child was conceived is a double entendre. But just look at that light Mary is basking in. Tell me that doesn't look like what it sounds like: The Almighty giving young Mary a huge, Godly money shot. She's bending over for it and everything. Thanks Mary, the drachmas are on the dresser. God paid extra 'cuz you're a virgin. Our next panel explains that Jesus's blood is God's blood. God's an all-powerful deity. He doesn't have blood. At least that's what he told me when I called him up for the blood drive. God, if you're afraid of the needle, just say so, for crying out loud. I'm also a little iffy on Christ's "Perfect Life". Perfect? Let me tell you, if my days ended in a crufixtion, I'd need a lifetime free membership to Taco Bell, a kickass Fantastic Four movie, and ten minutes, "anything goes" with Catherine Bell before it even came close to 90% perfect-life satisfaction.
If you anything related to a sense of humor, you, like me, can totally see Jesus picking that guy's nose.
Do the crucified really look lie...casserole? I know they could be pretty graphic, but this is making Mel Gibson's stuff look sanitized.
But you just said he raised the dead and healed the sick! And now you're saying it's never been done before!? Jesus does not deserve to save artists with such a fickle sense of continuity.
Not a Sinatra fan, that Jack Chick. It seems to me, the split between the pious and the hell-bound are pretty equal, if anything it seems the former is the larger company.
To all you Buddhists out there? Do you really think I don't exist? That hurts. Eh, it's not like most people act like I exist anyways. I don't think I've ever heard phrases like "I love my sin" or "We're All Gods" either. In fact, most people think they're Gods generally aren't the inclusive sort.
Be my master. Heh, Heaven is going to be full of people asking the Lord to handcuff them to the bedpost. And I bet he will. You gotta wonder how that guy ruined his life. It's okay, dude. yeah, you shouldn't have cut your own hair, because it looks terrible, but really, it'll grow back.
I'd like to go to heaven and everything, but I'm sort of afraid of heights. Seriously, I get jittery walking around in Skyscrapers. You'd see me around the back of that arrow, sticking around. I'm good, no really. The Craig T. Nelson looking is pretty wary over how easy it is. And really, it is. You just have to bend over and say you're shit and you get a free lift to eternal bliss? Sounds like a pyramid scheme. Before you know it, Heaven is sending me junk mail by the assload.
There's something to be said about being decisive, but Chick sure has a bone to grind with the wishy washy. "I have to think about it for a minute. Now granted, when I want to blow someone off completely, I usually throw the whole "sleep on it" ball to get them off my back. But it seems Mr. Vengeful God loves picking people off if they don't succumb to the word instantly. While Chick's intended message is God's word is so good you shouldn't have second thoughts, it really comes across as "...don't put any careful rationalization in what you do! Careful thinking's for turds!..." So we can really equate being saved with shotgun weddings.
Jack sounds like a jealous ex, saying you'll regret not listening. Jack, when my flesh is being torn asunder by burning maggots and my bones sundered by three-donged ogres, I'm probably not going to be thinking about you. In fact, my Hell would probably be sitting right to next you. So I consider any distance between us a victory. "You will bow down before Jesus. The part of Christ will be played by Terrence Stamp. Anyone, if a witness ever hands you this particular track, check off "Hell", hand it back to him. Do this, and you'll get 100 Skyblade points, which will promote you from default position of "Skyblade Flunkie" to "Skyblade Lackey", with plenty of room for advancement.
So I suppose we have one thing in common. We're all confounded by the off-kilter electrical impulses in Chick's brain that he uses as a makeshift proxy for "logic". Until next time, fellow sinners! </ljcut>